Ocean tides

Calming, soothing, quiet. These three words perfectly describe today's weather. I rose to the sound of the gentle knocks on the door and was really reluctant to take a shower right away. These days, nothing seems motivating to me.

I showered after an hour of procrastination. Made myself tuna sandwich and drank a cup of green tea. Mom phoned from afar, from some place called Astana in Russia. I wonder how she put up with her work. I wonder if I could put up with my job in the future.

I made myself comfortable on the couch, attempting to finish up an essay I was assigned to do. It then occurred to me, that annoying heart beating feeling. That piece of memory you wish you could tear it away from your head, shake it up a little bit til it breaks into smaller pieces, and flush them down the toilet. I've caused so much pain to people and to myself, been so selfish and self-centered that it eventually leads me to losing something I thought was not as valuable as it is right now. It is a little silly, come to think of it. How easy it is to gain and lose, to love and unlove, to promise and break, to hold and let go, to come and go.

I genuinely believe that I can fix the damage I've caused. In so many ways I believe it is utterly possible. But what would you do if fixing is not an option? That depends on you. Some people would persevere, some give up and walk away. But I am a firm believer in second chances and if there is none, I know good things fall apart so that better things fall together. God is almighty.

C'est la vie.